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Over
45
and
Pregnant
-
What
Will
People
Think?
©Jan Andersen 2003
If
you are planning a midlife pregnancy, or suddenly find yourself expecting over
the age of 45, apart from the obvious health issues, one of the main questions
that will inevitably arise in your mind is, "What will people think?"
Will
they think you're completely mad? Will they offer unqualified advice based on
limited knowledge? Will they make insensitive and unkind remarks or, in the
future, will strangers assume that you are the child's grandmother? Will they
lack understanding and try to instill their own values upon you by saying
things like, "Why on earth would you want another baby at your age?" or
"Rather you than me." One of the most annoying remarks and one that has been
made many times to women who already have children is, "You should be happy
with what you've got". That's no different to passing judgment on their
choices by saying something like, "Why do you want another car / house / pet?
You should be happy with what you've got".
It
doesn't really matter what other people think. We all make personal choices
and no one should condemn you for decisions you make that affect your life and
not theirs. The desire to have a baby is no different at 45 to the desire to
have a baby at 25.
Try
to ignore any negative comments you may receive, or compose your own witty
comeback. Some comments are based on ignorance and others are based on
people's own personal choice not to want another child themselves. Some
comments may even been be based on jealousy, with these messengers of doom
secretly harbouring a desire to be blessed with another baby themselves. Too
much unnecessary anxiety has been fed into the minds of older mothers via
non-medical friends and acquaintances who feel compelled to impart their
limited knowledge and thoughtless opinions.
If
someone should mistake you for your child's grandmother, so what? It is
almost impossible to discern someone's age these days and I know of much
younger mothers who have been mistaken for their children's grandmother.
However, age and appearance do not have any bearing upon your ability to be a
great parent. I would rather look like my child's grandmother, secure in the
knowledge that my child is being raised in a loving, stable environment, than
look like my child's sister and be ill-equipped to cope with the demands of
being a young mother.
In
1983, when my own grandmother was 75, she looked after my baby son whilst I
went out to work full-time. She was the best childminder that I have ever had
and put far more effort into educating him, amusing him and running around the
park than many younger parents I have known.
From
my perspective, I have been a young mother and an older mother so I have a
comparison through personal experience. When I gave birth to my first three
children in my twenties, I admit to being far less emotionally, spiritually
and financially stable than I was when I gave birth to my fourth child at the
age of 40. In my twenties, I was still trying to decide what I was going to
be when I "grew up" and was struggling with all manner of identity crises, not
aided by the fact that I was in an unhappy marriage with an unsupportive
husband. When my life was crowded with unresolved personal issues, I was
unable to devote myself totally to my children. When I gave birth to my
youngest daughter at the age of 40, I was very clear about what I wanted in
life, including another baby. I had, and still have, a supportive partner who
nurtured me through the pregnancy and plays an active role as a father.
People, by their nature, are opinionated and will always be ready to impart their unwarranted views, often in the most tactless manner. If you are dumbfounded by any comments your receive, the simplest response is, "That's my choice. It's what I / we want. It doesn't adversely affect your life does it?"
Jan Andersen is a British Freelance Writer and the
creator of three websites: Mothers Over 40 (www.mothersover40.com),
an inspirational and encouraging site for older parents; Child Suicide (http://childsuicide.homestead.com),
a supportive resource for depressed youngsters and families who have lost a
child to suicide and World Writer (http://worldwriter.homestead.com),
a comprehensive resource for writers. In addition to commercial copywriting
for a broad spectrum of industries, Jan specialises in compelling articles,
features and columns on diverse
lifestyle issues. Until recently, Jan had four children aged 20, 17, 15 and 3. Her eldest son, Kristian, tragically took his own life via a Heroin overdose on 1 November 2002. Whilst campaigning for drugs' and suicide awareness, Jan is writing a book on child suicide entitled, "Chasing Death" |
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